Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous Entry | Next Entry


I haven't written here in awhile. I haven't written at all in awhile. It shows. My mind is full of negativity. It always is if I don't write.

Recently, though, I've been re-examining the reasons for writing. (This is sort of like a cow chewing an eternal piece of cud). I know that it keeps me sane (at least journaling), but should I really be bothered outside of that?

I also have wondering about the point of Live journal. There is something about writing here that I find uncomfortable. The immediate audience, perhaps, or, relatedly, lack of freedom. I write to work through things; my thoughts without the benefit of sentence structure and basic grammar are like gazelles on the plain, frolicking freely, without a care, unaware of the lions behind the bush. As I write tonight, I feel like jackals are lurking over my shoulder. I've seen this thing become a tool of drama. I hate drama.

This is not a journal and I need to realize that. It is something else. I cannot allow myself to be inhibited in my journal-writing. I hope to use it in the coming year to document my reading. I want to see how many books I read in a year. I've heard of people shooting for 50, but I have no goal in mind. I just want to document and record for posterity and curiosity.

Besides this, I'm so tired of feeling overwhelmed. I usually have my Christmas shopping done by the day after Thanksgiving; this year, thanks to school and job hunting, it didn't happen. My enthusiasm for the holiday has, understandably, waned this year. 2004 cannot end soon enough; it has been, hands down, the worst year of my life. I plan on taking a 2004 calendar, and shitting on it on New Years' Day. Besides rosepurr, I cannot point to a single thing this year worth a fucking damn.

Damn, I've written myself into a hole of depression. The first rule of holes - stop digging.


Dec. 23rd, 2004 07:28 pm (UTC)
I write in both myself. LJ is for things that I don't mind sharing with the world. The paper journal is where I tend to work out things that are really bothering me. Sometimes I throw a diatribe on what is bothering me on my LJ but more often than not, I save the "scary" stuff for the paper journal. You have to find that level of comfort for yourself. I think part of it is giving yourself permission to write. I had the hardest time with paper journal writing for the longest time until I gave myself permission to write on only one side of a page in fountain pen, silly, I know. But I had to make this conscious effort to say, "It's ok to be 'wasteful.'" Something to think about perhaps. or not...


polar bear

Latest Month

September 2019


Powered by LiveJournal.com
Designed by Tiffany Chow