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Writing

I haven't written here in awhile. I haven't written at all in awhile. It shows. My mind is full of negativity. It always is if I don't write.

Recently, though, I've been re-examining the reasons for writing. (This is sort of like a cow chewing an eternal piece of cud). I know that it keeps me sane (at least journaling), but should I really be bothered outside of that?

I also have wondering about the point of Live journal. There is something about writing here that I find uncomfortable. The immediate audience, perhaps, or, relatedly, lack of freedom. I write to work through things; my thoughts without the benefit of sentence structure and basic grammar are like gazelles on the plain, frolicking freely, without a care, unaware of the lions behind the bush. As I write tonight, I feel like jackals are lurking over my shoulder. I've seen this thing become a tool of drama. I hate drama.

This is not a journal and I need to realize that. It is something else. I cannot allow myself to be inhibited in my journal-writing. I hope to use it in the coming year to document my reading. I want to see how many books I read in a year. I've heard of people shooting for 50, but I have no goal in mind. I just want to document and record for posterity and curiosity.

Besides this, I'm so tired of feeling overwhelmed. I usually have my Christmas shopping done by the day after Thanksgiving; this year, thanks to school and job hunting, it didn't happen. My enthusiasm for the holiday has, understandably, waned this year. 2004 cannot end soon enough; it has been, hands down, the worst year of my life. I plan on taking a 2004 calendar, and shitting on it on New Years' Day. Besides rosepurr, I cannot point to a single thing this year worth a fucking damn.

Damn, I've written myself into a hole of depression. The first rule of holes - stop digging.

Comments

( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
deepforestowl
Dec. 21st, 2004 09:22 pm (UTC)
*hugs* LJ is for what you want it to be hon. Make it private and no one can read it. Make it friends only and only those you trust can comment, or make it public for the world to see. Give yourself permission to be goofy and weird and whiny and joyous. You don't have to post here, but it can be a lot of fun. I never would have known rosepurr if it hadn't been for LJ. The year is almost done. Kiss it goodbye and do something good with '05.
thndrstd
Dec. 23rd, 2004 05:45 pm (UTC)
I know what you mean, and I appreciate you commenting. Sometimes, it feels like an either/or prospect - either I write in a traditional paper journal where the thoughts can flow or else I write and read here. They're just different animals, and I need to use them according to what I need.
deepforestowl
Dec. 23rd, 2004 07:28 pm (UTC)
I write in both myself. LJ is for things that I don't mind sharing with the world. The paper journal is where I tend to work out things that are really bothering me. Sometimes I throw a diatribe on what is bothering me on my LJ but more often than not, I save the "scary" stuff for the paper journal. You have to find that level of comfort for yourself. I think part of it is giving yourself permission to write. I had the hardest time with paper journal writing for the longest time until I gave myself permission to write on only one side of a page in fountain pen, silly, I know. But I had to make this conscious effort to say, "It's ok to be 'wasteful.'" Something to think about perhaps. or not...
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )

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